Where Do You Fellowship?

Where do you fellowship?

Talk about Christian speak, that is one of the funniest questions ever! Where do you fellowship? I think it's an attempt by some Christians to ask what church body you are affiliated with without saying "where do you go to church" because they recognize there is something fundamentally wrong with that question. I'll save that for another post. We can't go to church. According to how Jesus defined us, we are the church. Yet we have this confused because most Christians do in fact simply go to church rather than be the church everywhere, all the time. So, instead, sometimes we ask "where do you fellowship?" What we really want to know though is, what local named institution of Christians are you affiliated with and do you spend time with them? We could just cut to the chase and ask "what Christian club are you part of?" but that sounds bad.

Sometimes when I've answered the church question with "I don't go to church," the fellowship question becomes a follow-up and veiled criticism as if Christian fellowship (as they define it) is some sort of essential to the faith and an expression of one's commitment to Christ. If you aren't going to a Christian club, and aren't fellowshipping, then you aren't Christian right? Isn't that what we think when we use the question as a criticism? When the question is a form of criticism, aren't we really saying that anything other than Christian club attendance and fellowship is bad? Now, don't get me wrong here, I absolutely believe that we are called to live our lives as the people of God among the people of God. No doubt. Jesus lived this way and I believe it's healthy for us to follow his lead. My point is the nature of the question and the underlying assumptions - and identity crisis it represents, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's take a look at this little question a little deeper, shall we? What is the purpose of fellowship? It's a social interaction. The purpose is to engage socially with others. In Christian circles, we use the term fellowship to describe events where Christians mingle together, usually around food & drinks, usually after a Christian event, and to share a light moment of life with other Christians. It's a Christian word for post-event hang out. Sometimes we scheduled fellowship events simply for the time to hang out. It's to give Christians an alternate place to be social rather than out in the world. So, instead of asking where we fellowship, should we ask instead, "where do you hang out?" That's the core of what we are asking, but there's more to it than that, so that phraseology doesn't quite fit either. It doesn't fit because the word fellowship is used in the context of Christians, and again usually associated with a planned event or location like a fellowship hall, or Bible study, or youth program. So the question is really, "where do you mingle with other Christians for a snack and some conversation?" or more critically, "where is your Christian alternative to worldly hang-outs?" Before you were a Christian, you would hang out at <fill in the blank place not at a church building>, but now you have to fellowship, and clearly that's different.

Let's think about what fellowship isn't. It's apparently exclusive to Christians since people outside the church would have no idea what you are saying if you asked them to go fellowship with you. They might mistake the question for a quest to seek a ring of power or something epic like that. If you asked them where you can hang out together, and they said "let's go downtown and do some bar hopping this weekend," most Christians would think that is the wrong definition of fellowship or perhaps an evil pre-conversion experience that they are supposed to avoid, so that's not it. The bar might be where that person hangs out, but that's not "fellowship" in the Christian sense. So, we know "fellowship" is not for those outside the Body of Christ, and we know it's not for anything someone outside the church would do for fun. If one of our non-Christian friends attended a "fellowship" session, they wouldn't fit right? Since it's used in the context of a Christian gathering or place and usually attached to an event, we also know it's a scheduled activity outside of your home and thus not part of the normal stream of your life. It's also normally a short-term engagement lasting only about an hour or two, so we also know it won't be a deep engagement with other Christians or deeply personal exposure of your life. Since it has to be scheduled, often with sign-ups and the like, it probably won't be with people you would otherwise engage in your life. Those people, you just call up and say "hey, let's hang out," and you make it happen. It's not fellowship, it's life. So we also know it isn't with your close social sphere.

Based on this, we know fellowship will be a casual, brief, social, exclusive, Christian-friendly scheduled event where Christians can mingle with other Christians who they probably wouldn't encounter in life otherwise, as a safe alternative to what Christians may have done pre-conversion. Sounds like a club event, or a corporate party, or maybe a house warming party for someone you don't really know but want to show your support to. So fellowship isn't normal hang out social time. It's exclusive to Christians, pre-planned, shallow, and short. It's not real life, it's sort of stepping out of real life for the sake of some canned experience that's supposed to be essential for our spiritual health.

Here's the problem. Christians are identified not by our fellowship, but by Christ. Yet somehow we feel certain that fellowship is essential to our spiritual well being and our growth. How did Jesus fellowship? He took a small group of people (his disciples who he did every day life with all the time) into the social gatherings of sinners. He went to parties at tax collectors houses. He allowed prostitutes to anoint his head and wash his feet. He fellowshipped among the lost, and found his spiritual development there and while discipling his friends in every aspect of life.

If that's true, then something in our worldview is seriously broken. If our fellowship is defined by removing ourselves from sinners, then somehow we've stopped following Christ. If shallow social gatherings with other Christians are essential to our spiritual growth, then our spiritual depth will remain shallow.

So where & how do people outside the church fellowship? I'll toss out a few examples of what I've been invited to by the people in my life who aren't yet Christians. Football games, dinner out, movie theaters, sports bars, camp sites, comedy clubs, karaoke, bocce ball playing, ping-pong, sight-seeing, mountain biking & some social event following, night clubs, boats/on the ocean or a lake, coffee shops, a trip to the Apple store. Basically normal parts of life with other people. Almost all of the events I've attended involve alcohol at some point. I've also noticed the people attending the events are very open (sometimes too much), very casual, and very hospitable. They want to share their favorite experiences with you - they want you to know them. Vulgar language abounds. Offensive jokes are shared. They ask really personal questions trying to get to know you and your story...and they share theirs and their opinions no matter how offensive, dirty, or contrary to your own they could be. They don't hold back. I've also noticed people outside the church like to dance, and sing, and party. They drink a few rounds then jump onto the dance floor and boogie. They jump onto the mechanical bull at the bar and give it a try. They sing loud and off key. They spend a ton of money having fun. They are themselves, live it up, and have a great time. They are genuine...and way more fun than Christian fellowship gatherings.

One of the most profound things I've learned recently about people, is they want to be known and they use these social gatherings to facilitate that. Despite what we believe about people outside the church, they are very open and very raw. They love shared experiences. The more you attend with them, the more they open up - anywhere. The more you get to know them, the more honest they become and the more questions they ask.

I recently attended an offsite gathering among my peers at work. We were a leadership team struggling to find our harmony. My boss did something amazing. He took us to an incredible resort in the California Bay Area, put us into a conference room, and asked us each to stand up and share our life story. What followed was deeply personal. Among a group of men in a business context, tears flowed. Later that night we drank it off and challenged each other on a mechanical bull. From that moment on, we had each other's backs. We knew each other's stories. We stopped second guessing. I knew more about these men from their 2 hour story than many people I've known in the church for years. We became more accessible to each other and more a part of each other's stories than anything I've experienced to date aside from marriage. That night, we did fellowship the right way and in a way that most church people would blush at and probably discount as secular. You know what? It was sacred. The Holy Spirit was working in and through me through that experience. He broke down walls. He gave me insights into those men that changed my mission to them. I could see how Jesus was working in their lives and they didn't even know it. It was amazing.

If you asked to host the next church fellowship event at the local night club, would you be allowed to, or would you be advised to change to a home or church building location? If you invited all your coworkers to your house for a BBQ, would you also invite your home group or Bible study people and call it a fellowship night?

My absolutely favorite time of fellowship recently went down like this. I was at the office away from home, working with a group of about 10 people, when one of them said "hey Matt, any plans for dinner?" Being away from home the only plan I had was to grab a quick meal on my way to my hotel, so I said, nope. The next thing I knew, that group of people rallied around me and chose to take me out to one of their favorite experiences - Korean BBQ. Some called home to tell their family that they'd be late, others cancelled plans they had already made for the evening. Why? Because I was in town and they wanted to use the opportunity to get to know me - to fellowship. We landed at a place totally outside my comfort zone. The menu was mostly not in English, and I honestly couldn't understand most of the serving staff. But the meal was delicious and I had the chance to experience some of my coworkers in their natural context. One person in particular, I had read as somewhat aloof and cold. That night, he facilitated everyone's needs - ordering, cooking, pouring drinks, you name it with a level of hospitality that I've hadn't experience before and haven't since. He became one of my favorite people in the office that night. We shared stories, asked questions about family and personal history. We shared laughs. It was amazing...and deep...and just like what a family should look like.

You know what's sad? Most of my adult Christian life, I've looked at those gatherings of my coworkers as a negative thing. For years when invited out to a social event with coworkers, I would use the good old Christian excuse of needing to get home to take care of my family. Not two weeks before, that very same coworker who treated me out to a cultural experience to get to know him, was in town and asked me for restaurant recommendations. Instead of canceling my evening plans to show him hospitality, I gave him a few names of places I like. Talk about failure. Two weeks later, I was schooled in hospitality by someone outside the body. For years I'd work through lunch so I could bust home as quickly as possible, refusing countless invites out to lunch. I'd look down upon those coworkers as wasting time and money when they could be either working or home with their families. I'd skip out on goodby dinners, baseball games, everything for the sake of avoiding those secular traps. I'd bust home for Bible study or home group or worship practice, leaving my mission field behind for the safe and "sacred" gatherings of shallow Christian interaction. For years, I excluded myself from the mission field, from getting into the lives and stories of those I'm called to reach, for the sake of gathering with those who have already been reached and who are also supposed to be out on mission. I had it totally backwards, and I missed so many opportunities. The worst part is, my church reinforced my paradigm and praised my attitude and actions as a leader in the body. I've since repented for my Christian fellowship.

To be honest, Christian fellowship is boring. It's fake. It's forced. Yet somehow we think it's essential and amazing. So, where do I fellowship according to the Christian definition? Actually, that sounds like something I should avoid. Why? Let's take a look at what Jesus showed and told us to do.

Jesus was a very social man. He spent almost every recorded moment of His ministry engaging other people. At the same time, he chose a very small group of people to incorporate into the most intimate parts of his life, all the time. These men traveled together, shared resources, ate together, and were being constantly discipled by Jesus. He invited them into His life, and modeled daily how He wanted them to live. He revealed the Gospel to them as much by what he said as by what he did for others while they were watching. Regardless of who they were, He constantly pointed them to God. Meanwhile, He engaged people outside of this group, as He journeyed around He gave special insights to His disciples on what He was doing, and what He meant by the words He spoke. He demonstrated grace, compassion, and the fruit of the Spirit - the very presence and power of God, to those around Him. Jesus traveled to places and sought to be with the outcasts. He ate with sinners, allowed prostitutes to approach and talk to Him, healed the sick, touched diseased people, even debated with people who were adamantly against Him. That guy that everyone else in the town hated because he was a liar and a cheat...that's who Jesus went to dine with. All the while demonstrating the power and the presence of God to them all, and all the while making this smaller group of men into those who would carry on His work when His Father called Him home. All the while making disciples of a very small group. He didn't invite people to events, He went to them, engaged them, got into their story, touched the worst part of their lives, and loved them when no one else would. He didn't worry about the sacred and the secular - to Him every moment was sacred and His presence made it so. He redeemed the moment.

Note, the disciples didn't believe in Jesus yet or understand who Jesus was until He died. You could say, His disciples weren't Christians. They were learning to be Christians. Jesus hadn't set them free yet...hadn't given them His Spirit yet. They were being made into Christians, but they weren't fully until the Holy Spirit came at Pentecost, and that's when they engaged the world around them, bringing the good news everywhere, loving those around them just as Jesus did.

Jesus called us to be the light of the world, and the salt of the earth. He commanded us to go into all the world, making disciples of all people, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, teaching these disciples to obey everything He taught. Can we do that in the context of the Christian definition of fellowship, surrounded by other Christians who are also supposed to be the salt & the light? Are other Christians the people we're supposed to engage socially to transform? I don't think so. They should already be in the process of transformation. I think we've missed the point with our Christian fellowship. I think we've killed the mission by fleeing our coworkers for the sake of the shallow gathering at the common building we call "church."

So, where do I fellowship? I'm trying to follow Jesus' example as my definition of fellowship. I'm choosing to spend my time with the people in my life, eating with them, drinking with them, sharing stories, sharing life, sharing parties, sharing trials, sharing celebrations...all the while showing them (as best as I can) the power and presence of God...the Kingdom of God breaking into their life...a light in their darkness. So when I am invited out to drinks (after dinner), I go. I drink (but not too much). When a group of coworkers decides to try out the mechanical bull, and they throw in $20 each into a pool to be awarded to the person with the longest ride...I jump in. I have my moral lines as defined in Scripture and I try my best to hold to them. When I have a chance to share my story, I do.

So where do I fellowship? You won't like my answer. It's not in church. I fellowship with the people God has placed in my life who don't yet know Him, don't realize they are lost, and need someone to open their eyes and introduce them to their Creator...their Abba. Many reading this would conclude that this is unhealthy, or angry, or that I'm in imminent danger of losing my faith and losing my way. I don't see it that way at all. In fact, I see this as the way to be obedient to the great commission, to be obedient to Christ, to be Christian.

Is it healthy and beneficial to hang out with other Christians? Absolutely yes!! We need time to rest, to be recharged, to be supported and spurred on. We need help on our mission and we need insights shared through the Holy Spirit and relayed to us by our Christian family. There are also things we can't share with those outside the Body. There are times when we need each other and that is good.

But getting back to the core nature of the question. The next time I'm asked, "what local named organization of Christians do you spend social time with?" my answer is going to be, "you are missing the point."